I wasnt a huge fan...I never went to any concerts, and the only MJ album I ever bought was Thriller, but he had many catchy songs over the years that I liked. I remember when Thriller the video first came out on MTV, I was only 12 years old, and it was so HUGE at that time. My sisters and my friends and I used to try to copy and learn the dance moves from that video...ah, memories. Altho I think MJ exhibited some very bizarre behavior over the years (and he got more bizarre as he got older), there is no denying that he was a very talented man, and it's a shame that he had to die so young. As soon as I heard the news tonight, I was shocked because he was so young to die of something like a heart attack. So immediately I became suspicious that drugs were somehow involved, and lo and behold, several news outlets have been reporting that he was addicted to pain killers and other pills. I guess his health in general hasnt been great for some time, so maybe it was a combination of drugs and other things. I guess we'll find out the truth in a few days after the autopsy. Such a waste. Very sad. RIP Michael.

I meant to post when it was the big 5-0, but i havent been getting online much at all anymore because my AOL dialup has slowed down so much that it has literally made my computer virtually non-usable. Actually, I think it's the combination of aol plus the fact that I also think i have a virus or worm or something, because now im getting spammed by my own email address. But when i called around to local computer repair shops (to see how much they'd charge to even look at my computer) they all laughed at me (when i related the age of my computer and how much gigabytes and ram i had), and they all said it would be a waste of money to fix it, and i should just save up and buy a new one. Yes, well... wouldnt that be nice. I felt like saying to them... "I should buy a new one????? you're kidding???!!! Gee, i didnt think of that. I just wanted to keep this old dinosaur alive foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" [note heavy sarcasm]. Duh, stupid idiots. Of COURSE i WANT a new one. I just cant afford it.

Anyways, wow.. that was a long tangent.. back to the big 6-0...

So I've finally lost 60 pounds. It's been a long horrible unbelievely difficult journey of hell (because of all my food allergies and food restrictions, my diet is extremely limited in what i can eat), and it makes me sick when i think about how much i still have to lose. Strangely, I dont feel very happy that i've lost 60 pounds... i mean, I AM happy that i've lost the weight, but i should FEEL a lot happier than i do. I think it's the unbearable depression i've been living under for quite some time. I just cannot feel any joy or happiness at all anymore and I havent for awhile now, so i guess it isnt too shocking that losing all this weight isnt making me feel happy either.

Besides the weight, the other big news is that I'm finally free of the poison that those quacks forced on me 9 years ago. It's taken me 2 long years to ween off of paxil and let me tell you... it was HELL and Im still in hell, and I dont think I'll ever be the same person I was before i took paxil. I have noticible cognitive difficulties that I never had before paxil like, memory loss, trouble understanding what im reading, i cant think straight or figure out complex things anymore, etc. I truly believe the paxil has damaged my brain in some way (and i've read testimonies online of others who took paxil for years and now have similar problems to mine). I also believe that while i was on paxil, it changed my personality and caused me to behave in ways (online and off) that I never would have as my true self before i was put on the drug. Now that I'm off, I have been thinking back over things I've done and said, and it shocks me. I said to my mom (now)... I cant believe I did this or that, or acted that way, etc etc.. because that is SO NOT my personality to do those things". She agreed with me and said that during those times when i was behaving erratically, she was very concerned and confused as to what was wrong with me, but she had no idea that the paxil might have been the cause. And neither did I.

It was only when i weened down to less than half of my original dose that my emotions and true personality started to come back and I could see clear again. I told my mom that it feels like I went into a coma at age 30 and I am now just waking up at age 39. I cannot remember huge chunks of the last nine years because i was a zombie. I was in a graduate school program for 2 years with a small group of people, and now as I look over the list of my classmates, i cant remember who most of them are or what they looked like. I found papers I wrote and I dont remember writing them. I dont even remember taking the last two classes (by then i had been on paxil for 2 yrs).

And so now Im off. But all is still not right. My severe nonstop "anxiety bordering on almost being a panic attack" is back with a vengence. There is not one second of the day that I dont feel jittery on the inside, or when my head does not stop spinning. And that horrible "rock on my chest -lump in my throat" feeling is there as soon as I open my eyes in the morning, and it stays there until i go to sleep... and sleep is almost impossible these days. I attempt sleep only when i am literally dropping from exhaustion, and even then I still cant rest. My mind wont stop spinning and sometimes i shake involuntarily on the outside. The feeling is so bad sometimes that I want to run screaming, please stop please stop. So far, i've had no big panick attack "episodes" per se, but I wont be surprised if they come back too. The paxil kept my serrotonin levels so abnormally high for so long,that my brain just doesnt know what the hell is happening now. Life for the past few months has been torturous. People who dont have chronic severe anxiety problems do not and can not understand what it's like, no matter how much anyone tries to explain. People say, "dont worry", or "just stop thinking about it", or "oh i worry too, but i just breathe/do yoga/pray/meditate and then i feel better...."

No. That isnt what this is. No matter how much i breathe or pray, this feeling does not stop. And people just cannot "get" how bad it is unless they have experienced it themselves. There are no words to even describe this horrible god awful feeling. It is the worst feeling in the world and there is nothing you can do to make it go away, and you cant get away from it because it's inside you.

Despite all this, I refuse to get back on that damn drug because I refuse to be a zombie again. I need to wait 4 weeks (to assure that all the paxil is out of my system) and then I can try some natural supplements that may help raise my brain neurotransmitters back to normal. It's been 21 days, so I have a little over a week left to wait. So im counting down the days to june 7th, and Im hoping the natural stuff works (it doesnt always).. because i honestly dont think I can live much longer this way.

For anyone following my pitiful health saga...

A few days ago I went into Boston to see a specialist (called a urogynocologist) regarding my "female" problems, and apparently I do not have what the ER doctor told me I had. That is the good news. The bad news is that I am no closer to an answer for why I am having the problems I'm having. The uro-gyno wants me to come back for another test next month, so I guess we'll see if that shows anything.

As most of you know, I have been fighting bad health problems for many years now. I have too many things wrong with me to list them all, but one of the things I've been struggling with my entire life (since I was 13) is very severe "female" problems. Over the yrs, different doctors were able to provide some relief with meds, but things got progressively worse once I got fibromyalgia. The past 2 yrs have been especially severe and I honestly was to the point of feeling suicidal, when miraculously, I found a new doc who put me on natural hormones and I started feeling so much better.

Unfortunately, the good times only lasted a month and now things are worse than ever. This past sat night I had my mom take me to ER because I was having such severe pain I couldnt even lay down. I dont wanna get into details because it's kind of personal, but upon examining me, the ER nurse discovered a condition I had, that NOT ONE of the many many doctors I've been seeing over these past 2 yrs told me about. This condition is fairly serious, and it's probably the main cause of many of the recent female problems I've been having. The treatment is not simple and I will probably need major surgery in the near future to correct it.

I havent been able to see my regular gyno about this because it's the weekend, so since sat night I have been freaking out.. my anxiety is through the roof (i'm literally involuntarily shaking all over), I have only slept about 6 hours in the past 2 days. I feel so betrayed and angry at my doctors who missed this condition (including my gyno who JUST examined me last week and never mentioned it!!), because if it had been caught earlier, it would not have gotten this severe and would have been more easily treated. But because these doctors were morons, it's now progressed to where i probably need a major surgery.

I am just so depressed and feel such despair and hopelessness because i've been really putting alot of effort lately into making my health better, but no matter what I do it only gets worse and worse, and obviously every doc I see is so fucking incompetant they cant help me either. I dont know who to trust or where to turn. I also feel really scared right now because, altho this condition itself is not life threatening, my options are not looking great at this point. If I dont get this corrected, I will be living with constant debilitating pain (among other things)for the rest of my life. But right now, surgery would be extremely risky for me because of my weight and my poor health and compromised immune system. I honestly am at the end of my rope and I just feel like giving up. I will be calling my doc first thing in the morning and demand he see me immediately, but I have no confidence in him or any other doc at this point to help me in any way, but since this is something I cannot fix by myself, I have no choice.

Today was the first day my mom and I went swimming and it was really fun. I throughly enjoyed it and we are definitely gonna try and make a habit of going at least 4x a week to start, and then once we increase our stamina, try and go everyday. I'm soooo out of shape tho. After only 20 min of swimming, I was dead exhausted. We stayed for over an hour tho (my mom got out before me), but then I started to get "pruny" fingers so I got out too. I cant wait to go back. The locker room experience was hilarious (see below). Also, I promised I'd post these for Charles (and anyone else who wants a laugh), so please, be kind.









Now now, I know you're all thinking, "Ooo... how attractive PearL!!" Jealous. All of you, dammit, just jealous I tell you. And hey, if you think my head is funny, you should've seen the rest of me in a bathing suit. And NO Charles, I will NOT be posting those pictures.

The funniest thing of the day tho, were all the women who insisted on walking around stark raving buck naked in the locker room, flashing ta-tas and hoo-has for all who happened to walk on by to see. It was all my mom and I could do to refrain from busting a gut. I guess it's good that some people are that comfortable in their own skin, but jeez people.. a little modesty wouldn't kill you. I mean.. they DID have curtains on the changing rooms and shower areas... not that any of these women USED the curtains, but they did have them. hahaha Hilarious.

Or at least it should have, since I swore to the Creator of all that is holy and good that I'd never subject the viewing public to my fat ass in a bathing suit. But my application for financial aid was just accepted at the local Y, so now I have no more excuses of why i cant exercise. Unless fear of dying from humiliation counts? Does it? Never mind... I know it doesnt. I was just checking.

Anyway... I've been trying really hard to diet and lose weight seriously since sept of last year (2008), and I was doing pretty well. I had lost 25 pounds and was feeling quite proud of myself and rather cocky. I told everyone I knew that I was going to "treat" myself and go off my diet for "the holidays" (referring to the upcoming days of Thanksgiving and Christmas).

But as we dieters know, that for all of our good intentions to "only have this one thing and then get right back on my diet", it usually never works out quite the way we'd like it to. So for all you non-dieters, when I say, 'the holidays', I'm sure it may lead you to believe that I dieted right up to the day before Thanksgiving and/or Christmas, then stuffed myself full of sugary caloric goodness for that one day (or 2 days), and then got right back on my diet the very next day like a good little dieter should. That unfortunately, was not the case. It went something more like this... once the calendar hit Oct 31, I suddenly became delusional about my current state of fatness, conveniently forgot about my crack-like addiction to food, and began eating as if an asteroid was hurling towards earth and I only had one week to live.

This reckless all out eating binge continued through all of november and december... TWO SOLID MONTHS!!! Two months and nary once did I allow a vegetable to cross my plate. I also did not once check my weight (because god forbid I snap myself back into reality by looking at an actual number on the scale). I dont even remember when I awoke out of my sugar coma, but I know that all of the stores had suddenly started stocking Valentine's Day decorations. One night I was out on one of my midnight runs to stop N shop for my 'fix' of ice cream, and as I stood there holding FOUR chocolate covered marshmallow hearts in my hands, I could not ignore the truth any longer... "The Holidays", were over. "Ohhh SHIIIIIIT!", I silently thought, "I guess it's time I got back on my diet. Sigh." And thus ended 'The Great Pigout' of 2008.

Miraculously, I did not gain any weight back. Dont ask me how, because I have NO idea. But I didnt lose any more either. And I was so pissed at myself for wasting 2 whole months. That was 2 months without losing 1 pound, so I promised myself I would get back to serious dieting the sunday after christmas. Why the sunday after and not the day after, you may ask? Well christmas fell on thursday, which gave me 2 extra days of eating until sunday. Hey, there were leftovers to be had and I'm no fool. And so, on Sunday Dec 28th, I got right back on my diet and I stayed on it for 2 solid weeks. And I lost 10 more pounds, bringing my total loss to 35 pounds. And I was happy. And then... then it all went to hell again.

I wont even bother with all the why's, because I'm sure anyone whose ever tried to diet knows them all. All I will say is that I really believe my main problem is that my so called "diet plan" is so limited due to all my food allergies and weird food restrictions, that I get sooooooo bored eating the same food day after day after day, and then when I finally cant take eating chicken and cabbage for the 16th day in a row, I break down and order pizza or something else equally bad. And altho numerous people have told me not to limit myself in such a way, i really dont have a choice. When I try to do other diets (like weight watchers) that allow you more freedom in what to eat, I just dont do as well and I dont feel as well. Having small amounts of sugar (or starchy carbs), and dairy on a daily basis actually makes me crave them more than when I go completely without them for long periods of time. And my specific health problems and body chemistry require that I eat a diet consisting mainly of non starchy veggies and protein, because when I dont, I feel sluggish and sick. Sooooo I guess it's just too bad for me if I get bored. I need to suck it up and just do it.

I also need to get more exercise... actually ANY exercise at this point would be fabulous, and that brings me to my original reason for writing this post. I've known for a long time now that I need to exercise to lose weight, because dieting alone causes your metabolism to slow down. But my fibromyalgia has made it really difficult for me to do any kind of physical activity, so my doc suggested swimming. We do have a pool here at my apartment complex, but since I live in the north, it's obviously only open about 2 months during the summer. Plus there are always 1000 kids in it and a gaggle of nosy neighbors sitting around sunning themselves, just waiting to gossip about how they cant believe the fat gal in 101 (me) didnt cause a tidal wave when she entered the water. Thus, the apartment complex pool = not very appealing.

But depression and despair can make a person do all sorts of things that they never thought they'd do, and after complaining to several of my doctors about how miserable I am with my life and how hard it has been for me to lose weight, one of them suggested I take up swimming at a gym. "But I dont have the moneyyyyy..." I whined. "Well, the YMCA around the corner offers a discount program for families and people who have limited income. You could apply and see if you qualify." And so I applied, and I qualified! Yay me!

Except... how in hell am I gonna wear a bathing suit in front of strangers when I wont even wear shorts in public? And how am I even gonna FIND a bathing suit to FIT me?? (In case I forgot to mention, I cant exactly stroll on over to the nearest mall for my regular clothes, nevermind finding anything in stretch lycra). And what if I pay for a membership and then I end up not going because I'm so exhausted from my fibro (like i always am) ?? And what if, what if, what if, how, how, how...

Uh oh, there are those excuses again. I must stop that.

And so, starting next week, I will put on my "one size fit's all baby elephants" swimsuit that I found online (on one of those 'clothing for big gals' websites); I will drag my dead ass out of bed, no matter how exhausted and sick I feel; I will push through all my fears of dying from humiliation; and I will start swimming... because no matter how bad I may feel in a bathing suit in public, it cant feel as bad as this unrelenting despair, depression, and hopelessness that I've been feeling about my life for the past 2 years. So stay tuned... I will try and post pics of the lovely bathing cap I am required to wear for the YMCA pool. My head might even be in it. ; )

Hallelujah! I am so happy to have my electricity, my heat, my hot water, my stove, and my phone service back!!! I lost power Thurs night due to a HUGE ice storm
(http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081212/ap_on_re_us/ice_storm)
and I didnt get it back until earlier today around 2pm. I shouldnt complain tho since thousands of people still dont have theirs and might not get it back for 2 weeks. Luckily my mom lives close by to me and she didnt lose her power, so I went there to take a shower and eat (i couldnt cook cause my stove is electric), and I stayed there until it was time for me to go to bed. I only came home at night to sleep and check on my bunny. It was cold in my apartment but not "freezing", and I was ok under the covers, and my bunny was fine cause his fur is thick. I would come home and cuddle him under my covers for an hour to make sure he was warm enough. hahaha

The storm didnt even seem that bad while it was happening... it basically rained ice for 2 days...but it did tons of damage because the ice built up on the trees and made them crack in half and fall on top of houses, cars, and power lines. My town (among others) was actually declared a federal disaster area. Insanity. The only thing I'm mad about is I had to throw out all the food I had in my freezer...tons of meat and frozen veggies and stuff, and everything in the fridge went bad. I literally dont have one thing in my house to eat right now... not even crackers... hahaha. Man. I need to go food shopping tomorrow.

Wow. Obama's speech tonight gave me chills and a feeling of intense hope...hope for our country and hope for my own small pitiful life...that I havent felt in a long time. And altho it sounds cliche and lame... when he speaks, Obama really does make me feel as though anything IS possible. But let's see how long this elation lasts. I remember feeling this giddy and hopeful back in college when I voted for Clinton and he first won against Bush Senior. But 2 years later into the Clinton presidency, I graduated and the country was in a recession and I couldnt find a job. Unemployment was so high that it took me, a college grad with a 4 yr degree, more than 6 months to find work... and when I finally did, it barely paid minimum wage. And thus my elation with Clinton ended. So despite the optimism Obama gives me tonight, it will take more than his eloquent words to really bring about change and get this country back to a place where many Americans, including myself, and most of the rest of the world, can believe in America again.

Earlier today I DRAGGED myself out of bed just so I could go vote today. It took all of 10 minutes, literally, to drive there, vote, and drive home. As soon as I got home I went back to sleep. When I woke up (hours later) at 1am, the first thing I did was turn on the news. I have only 5 words...
President. Barrack. Obama. Thank. God.

Down 25; 225 to go.

So I've lost 25 pounds so far. Yay me. I did lose 14 pounds before I "officially" restarted the low carb/paleo WOE (way of eating), but since restarting low carb (last week), I've lost 11 more pounds in one week. I'm actually down a few more pounds than that when I weighed today (I weigh myself every day), but I dont count the weight loss until the end of the week.

Obviously I'm so happy about losing weight, and so far it hasnt been too bad with cravings, etc, altho I do get them at least once a day. The one thing that has been a pain is that I feel like I dont have a lot of variety in my food. Part of the reason is cause I have food allergies to all raw veg. And as we all know, raw veggies have less carbs than cooked and since I have to stay under 20 carbs a day, I'm limited to only a few very low carb veggies. I cant even have a real salad. When I have "salad", it's basically iceburg lettuce and maybe a sprinkling of red onion and that's about it... no tomato, radish, spinach, romaine... not even cukes unless I "soak" them in lemon juice or vinegar first.

My food choices are also restricted because I am not just dieting for weight loss, but to also try and help my fibromyalgia. Therefore, I add in extra restrictions for myself... like NO chemicals or artificial anything (no matter if it's listed as 0 carbs or not). This makes many of the low carb sugar free products off limits for me (like the sugar free Davinci syrups, or low carb candy, ice cream, etc etc). I also will not use splenda or nutrasweet, or anything with preservatives, nitrates, nitrites, etc. I'm even trying to limit my use of vegetable oils (except olive), which makes using storebought mayo a nightmare. I've yet to find a brand which is 100% olive oil. For now I've settled for the whole foods brand, which is expeller pressed canola, but once this jar is used up, I will not be buying it again.

These restrictions, plus the fact that I've been trying to buy mostly everything organic, all on a VERY limited budget makes it difficult to come up with varied and interesting meals because most organic cuts of meat are way too expensive, so I end up eating chicken and hamburger and eggs A LOT. Originally I was also gonna cut out dairy (last summer I went dairy free for one month and felt sooo much better allergy-wise), but I decided for now to keep eating dairy to help with variety. Because of money I have to pre-plan out my menus/groceries for a whole month at a time, so my food for the rest of this month is mapped out and I'm already sick of eating certain foods. Next month I'm gonna try and come up with more varied recipes or something so I wont be so bored. Boredom = cheating, and I really dont wanna stop the momentum I've got going.

Just when things seem like they are finally going along good... I should know better.

Bubba wouldnt eat last night or this morning, so i ended up taking him to the vet. Exam + xrays(to make sure his intestines werent impacted)+ meds = $300. *sigh* KILL.ME.NOW. the end.

The past 8-9 years of my life have been very odd for me in a way that I find hard to explain. I almost feel like I went into a coma at age 29 and then woke up at 38.

Recently regaining some of my emotions (since I've weened down my paxil)after being emotionally dead and numb for the past 6-7 years, confirms my suspicions that my unusually high prescribed dosage of paxil (for such an extended length of time) was one of the major causes of my .... hmmm... I dont even know the right word... apathy? It's not that I didnt care. I did. I was just in a state of such numbness and not feeling that I could not motivate myself to get up and move or go out or basically do much of anything. I wasnt miserable tho. And I wasnt sad. There was no massive depression... but there wasnt any happiness or joy either. I just ... was. That on top of the chronic exhaustion and pain from fibromyalgia had basically shut me down from living.

Then I started reading online about all of the bad side effects of long term paxil use, and I got really scared and decided to wean down my dose. I went from 30ml/day down to 20ml/day in about 5 weeks. Suddenly, emotions that I hadnt felt in years came flooding back to me. I was crying and laughing again and even feeling depressed again. I'm sure most people wouldnt be happy at feeling depressed, but I was because it meant that I finally *was* feeling. Besides, it wasnt a "bad" depression... just more of a "feeling down" because my life isnt where I'd like it to be.

I was so happy to have my emotions back that I lowered my dose even more... down to 16ml/day. Soon after, I found myself in a black hole. I would burst into inappropriate hysterical laughing or crying fits for no reason whatsoever. I found myself becoming enraged by silly things like commercials on television. And worst of all, the severe clinical depression that I had suffered for 5 years during my early 20's, came back with a vengence. For several weeks I was crying almost nonstop and I was in such despair that I started entertaining suicidal thoughts again... something I hadnt done since those years in college.

Out of desperation, I raised my paxil back up to 20ml/day and the suicidal thoughts faded some, but the depression was still there, altho somewhat lessened. After more research I decided to postphone lowering my dose any further until I can start some supplements like fish oil, which is said to help with depression and mood. I kind of went around in "pity-party" mode for another few weeks before I finally kicked myself in the ass, which brings us to this past week...

I dont know why this week was any different, but for some reason I FINALLY was able to get on an eating plan and stick to it for more than a day for the first time in over a year. Not only that but I've been going out more than usual than I have in really long time, and I've finally restarted the decluttering of junk out of my apartment (after a year long break).

Last sat my mom and I went to a local farmer's market and I bought some veggies that I actually cooked and ate this week. I say that almost sarcastically because, in the past, even if I bought veggies I usually would have let them rot in the fridge and never made them. But this time I followed through. We (my mom and I) also went to several organic grocery stores in the area and I found some really cool things, like organic orange and purple cauliflower, organic yogurt made from grassfed milk, and low mercury canned albacore tuna. I bought almond flour and used both it and cashew milk for the first time in my life this week. I also cooked and ate yellow summer squash (thanks to charles' mom for the recipe), roasted organic beets, baby bok choy, sweet and sour red cabbage, and green soup (it was broccoli and spinach)...all for the first time in my life. I havent eaten wheat, pasta, rice, potatoes, junk food, frozen dinners, or fast food in over a week. I also havent had ice cream in over a week, which ... if you know me and my crack-like addiction to ice cream (I was eating at least one and sometimes 2 whole pints of haagen daz per day - no i'm not exaggerating), is a HUGE accomplishment. And today...I weighed myself and discovered I've lost 5 pounds in 5 days. 5 down, 245 to go.

I know I have a long way to go, both in my weight and in my habits. I still havent given up dairy completely, which is my goal because I've noticed my allergies and sinuses are much better when I'm off it. This past week I still ate yogurt and butter, but I think I'll be giving those up this week. My cravings havent been too too bad yet, so I hope they only get less over time and not worse (crosses my fingers). I havent started any formal exercise program yet because I'm so overweight and out of shape (plus the fibro), that just walking around the store or out to the mailbox is difficult for me. I hope that as the weight comes off I'll be able to get around better and do more physically, despite my fibro. However, I did go out more than usual as I said above (the farmer's market, organic grocery stores). I dont know if it's coincidence or if eating better really has been helping, but I've also been less exhausted this week. I'm still *tired*, because I still dont sleep great, but I'm not "drop dead -drained of every last drop of energy- feel like I'm gonna die if I dont lie down" exhausted. And I havent started any supplements yet, but I hope to order them this weekend.

I still have my moments of panic when I think about how far I have to go, but right now I'm feeling pretty good. I dont know why or how it happened, but for the first time in a long time I finally have hope again and feel like I CAN do this. Wish me luck guys, I'll need it.

How do I know?

http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2008/06/mich-sex-offend.html
Michigan sex offender wins $57M lottery prize


Life sucks and then you die. Satan wins.

For the first time in years (and I mean YEARS), I went to the super-walmart that's about 20 min from my house. I used to go there at least once a week when I worked, but since becoming ill and losing my jobs, I didnt dare step a foot in that store because everytime I went in there, I would end up spending at least $100 per visit. I just couldnt help myself. They have so much stuff, and as I'd be walking around I'd see things I needed or wanted.
But then of course, that all had to stop once I lost my jobs and my income.

I'd say that for the past 8 years, I've shopped online 98% of the time I need any kind of gifts or even things for myself. I dont know why, but i seem to have more control ordering off of websites than when I'm walking through stores. Maybe because online I only look up the one particular thing I need and just buy that, whereas when you're in a store, you "browse" and see everything. I dunno. I guess I'm just weak. :\

So recently i've been looking for a glass tea kettle to replace the one I had (it broke), and altho I did find one online, it was more expensive than I remember paying for my last one. So i decided to check around in the stores before I ordered the online one. But I wasnt able to find anything in the few stores that are near my house, so I broke down and went to the "SUPA-Walmart". It was fun and depressing at the same time. Fun because I havent been out shopping in ages, but depressing cause there were so many things I wanted to buy but couldnt. That particular store is open 24/7, which I love because I love going shopping really late at night when no one else is there. I actually didnt go too late.. around 9:30 pm, but it wasnt that crowded.

I didnt find the tea kettle, but ended up getting 2 panals of drapes for the doorway to my dining room. I want to hang drapes to block the opening between the living and dining rooms so when i turn on my AC in the living room, it stays within that room, thereby saving me money on my electric bill.

It was funny cause when I was standing in the drape aisle looking at stuff, I could overhear these two ladies in the next aisle over talking. One lady was going on and on about all her life's problems and how she used to be an alcoholic but now she "found" jesus, and how she left this abusive boyfriend for some other boyfriend but then she got kicked out of such and such a house by the other boyfriend so now she is back with the bad boyfriend, and her mom died and now only her dad is alive but she hates him cause he's a bastard, and she would do anything for her mom but she never wants to see her dad again, etc etc etc... I was kind of chuckling to myself because I kept thinking.. "yeah, me too" (about the dad parts). lol But it was mostly just funny how she was spilling her guts in the middle of a walmart store for all to hear. lol

I also went shopping with my mom for Father's Day gifts. We spent all day going to several different stores getting all the stuff on his list that he wanted. We went to Costco in Nashua NH, which i've only been to once in my entire life. I was pleasantly shocked at all the organic food they had, and by the amazing quality of their produce. Their veggies and fruits were better looking than the horrible wilted shit i get at any of the grocery stores near my house. And the best part of the whole store is this GIANT "refrigerator" room where they keep the produce. It's like literally walking into your freezer. It was so cold and awesome, I wanted to live in there. ahaha

I bought my dad some chair and the DVD he wanted, and my mom bought me some organic hamburger (3lbs), some all natural organic chicken burger patties, some organic chicken sausages (which I'm taking to the cookout on father's day), and a ginormous package of feminine unmentionables (shhhh.. dont tell charles). hahaha

It was awesome and fun because we went at lunchtime, and all the sample ladies were set up at their stands passing out free food. We got to taste pizza, chicken-spinach sausage, chicken burgers (the ones my mom bought me), cream puffs, crackers and cheese, 3 flavors of IZZE sparkling juice... and I think my mom also had some potato crisps while I went to the ladies room. We were full by the time we left. hahaha I have to go there more often!

Then we went out to lunch and both got reuben sandwiches at this restaurant we like. It was a really fun day because I rarely go out anymore, but i was soooooooooooo exhausted by the time we got home that I went to bed at 4pm and didnt wake up till 11pm. lol But I really had fun, so I have to try and go out more often, even if i dont spend money. It helped me be not so depressed, and I got a little exercise by walking around.

The past 2 months have totally sucked. I've been so physically sick and have felt so horrible that I've spent many days these past weeks doing nothing but crying my eyes out and wondering why I was ever born. My life seems so pointless and I feel so useless. I just wonder what is the point of my life and why do I have to be SO sick that I cant do anything or go anywhere. I mean, I dont even care (too much) that I have fibromyalgia. But why cant it just be fibromyalgia? No. It has to be fibro, plus chronic sleep deprivation, plus TMJ, plus food allergies, plus pollen allergies, plus dustmite allergies, plus IBS and digestive problems, plus hormone problems, plus 3 month long periods, plus migraines from hell, plus plus plus... and the list goes on, with the last plus being a sinus infection from HELL.

So FINALLY after literally 6 weeks of THE worst sinus infection in history (on top of my fibro, on top of my allergies, on top of on top of on top of) .... I FINALLY can at least sit up without feeling like I'm gonna pass out from dizziness and nausea, and I get this lovely news....

I was planning to buy a new computer once I sold my car and I was hoping to get at least $2500 for it. Actually, a mechanic told me not to take less than $3000 for it, so i thought $2500 was a fair deal. Well, the other day this guy and his college age son came to look at the car and they really liked it and wanted to buy it, but they wanted to have their mechanic check it first. So they took it to their mechanic and he supposedly found problems that will cost $1000-$1300 to repair!!!! And this after I already put $400 into it to fix up shit so I could get a good price for it. Now I see I shouldnt have even bothered.

Needless to say, they didnt buy it. Of course I dont really need to share this info with any other potentional buyers, but seeing as I'm OCD and have this horrible condition know as "compulsive guiltiness", I just cant live with myself knowing I'd be lying to someone who thinks the car is fine when I know it isnt. So I relisted my car on craigs list with all the problems for only $2000, but now I doubt if I will even get $1500 for it since someone is gonna have to put $1000+ into it for repairs.

So now i dont think I will be able to get my computer, at least not anytime soon. Sure, you might be thinking, $1000 is plenty to buy a new computer... but I had decided to buy an imac instead of another PC, and imacs cost more. I looked up imacs online and the newest ones are running $1400 for the cheapest, and that's without any extras like a printer, etc. I wanted an imac because I know it will stay functional a lot longer than a PC and i wont end up needing to replace it in another 2 yrs, which of course I wouldnt be able to do since I never have extra cash, and I'd be in the exact same position i am now... with a computer that's barely functional. Actually, that's not even true... If mandy hadnt given me this computer I'm typing on, i wouldnt even have a computer at all, because MINE (the one I bought) was so outdated I couldnt sign on to most websites anymore.

If I can get at least $1500 for the car, then i can still get the computer. But if i end up getting like $1000, then... there went that idea.

I hate to be having such a "pity poor me" party right now, but I've just felt so bad lately, and I was really looking forward to getting this new computer since it's getting to be a daylong affair just to check my emails... but oh well. As usual, God keeps shitting on this joke that I call my life.

I know that none of you could ever possibly tire of hearing me drone on and on about all of my health problems and medical procedures, so here's one more chapter in the sad state of my broken down body. lol

I finally went to the ENT dr today and he checked me out. My sinuses are in such bad shape he wants to take a CAT scan. He tried to insert some longish tubey thing with a light on the end of it into my nostril, up my nose and down into my throat, but my L sinus was so blocked he couldnt. He did get it in the R nostril tho. That tube hurt like a bitch too, and all i could think of was...if charles ever had to get this done, he'd look at the doctor and say... "Is you nuts??! Get the fuck outta here!!!" I had to try and not laugh as i was impaled on this instrument. hahaha

The doc was really nice at least, and he is having me come back to do more food allergy testing. He said my ears are fine tho. I told him I had been hoping he'd diagnose me with an ear infection because i know those usually get better with drugs, but no... it is my TMJ causing all my ear/dizzy/nauseous problems, and unfortunately there's nothing else they do for it besides what i'm already doing.

So it's more advil and sleeping with ice packs and mouth guards for me.... oh yay! Look ^^^^ isnt it pretty? Mine looks like the clear one. I've only worn it for 2 nights now and already i can tell it helps. I dont wake up with my entire body stiff and frozen, clenching my teeth so hard i can barely open my mouth. If it keeps working, I think i'm gonna invest in a more expensive one.

In more happy news - sarcasm- , an update on the "my dad is a shit" saga...

My mom always said when she got a new computer, she'd give me her old one because even tho it's old, it's still newer than the one i have. Well my dad decided to get her a new one for mother's day, but he made it a point to tell her that she wasnt *allowed* to give the old one to me. Nice, huh? Bastard. He is going to die a lonely old man, and as he sits there alone in the nursing home with no one coming to visit, i'm sure he'll wonder why because nothing is ever his fault.

I need a drink. And I dont mean orangina.

I dont know if anyone remembers (cause i have told people), but I have been weening myself off paxil so I can switch to a more natural method of balancing my brain chemicals, because I've been learning all kinds of scary things about taking paxil long term.

Everything you read says you cant just stop taking paxil cold turkey, and that you have to ween off slowly or else you will suffer all kinds of bad side effects and withdrawal symptoms. I know this is true because if i even miss one dose, i feel shitty, have nightsweats, stomachaches, brain zaps, blah blah ... all kinds of crap. So i found a website online called Stoppaxil.org and it gives advice about how to ween off safely and I've been following it with no problems until now.

I started at 15ML 2x per day and have been reducing my dose every week by 1ML per each dose. So for example, the first week i went down to 14ML 2x per day for one week; then the next week i went to 13ML 2x per day for a week, then 12ML x2, etc etc... all the way down to 10ML 2x per day. All thru that I havent felt any ill effects so I went to 9ML x2 and then 8ML x2...

But ever since I went less than 10MLx2 per day, I have been having these crazy emotional outbursts... and I mean CRAZY. Like one minute i will be perfectly normal... reading something online, or driving along going to the store, or watching a tv commercial... and within a split second i will literally burst into hysterical sobs for no reason whatsoever. NOw i dont mean a few tears come to my eye.. i mean from _nothing_ to literally balling my eyes out within ONE SECOND. I feel insane.

This only lasts for a few min tho and then I'm back to normal again. But that's not all... I have also been having these fits of intense rage over the smallest most insignificant things. AND laughing fits! One night i was sitting here reading emails and suddenly for NO reason at all and without warning I started laughing hysterically... laughing so hard i was crying and felt like i couldnt breathe... and i was like that for 10-15 min.. and then went back to normal again. And i hadnt read or thought about anything funny to make me laugh!

Tonight i went to the store to buy mother's day cards for my mom and grandma... oh lord that was a mistake. My whole life I have ALWAYS laughed at cards in the store ( and i dont care who is there to hear me), but i have NEVER.. and I mean NEVER started sobbing in the middle of the hallmark store, no matter how emotional the card is. But tonight at stop and shop i'm in the card dept reading, and I could NOT stop crying. Thank god it was late and practically no one was there! I was so embarassed someone would see me that I had to stop looking for cards to go to the tissue aisle to get a box of tissues so i could blow my nose and wipe my tears away, and then go back to reading cards! This is not normal, people.... am i right?

So i'm wondering if i'm weening off the paxil too fast? You'd think yes, but... the other thing is that (as I've told certain people) i have these crazy 3 month long periods with insane PMS. And as everyone knows, PMS can give you some crazy ass emotions. But ive been having these 3 month long periods for over a year and I havent had the crying/laughing/ rage fits until now. So i *think* it's the paxil but i'm not sure.

I decided to go back to 10ML 2x per day again because it's kind of freaking me out. All of the SSRI drugs (paxil, zoloft, lexapro, etc) are known for being dangerous and making people kill themselves or others , so I think i'm gonna have to look for a psychiatrist who takes my insurance to help me ween off. I dont wanna go postal on anyone. lol Man.. i'm laughing but really i shouldnt be, christ... Oh and...

CHARLES STOP LAUGHING CAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE!!!!

My TMJ has been acting up SOOOO bad lately. I think that's what is giving me ear pain and making me so dizzy/nauseous. All day yesterday i couldnt even lift my head off the pillow or else i swear i was gonna pass out. I got 2 ice packs and put my jaw/head between them until my whole face was frozen. It helped a little. I called my mom and we talked for literally 4 hours because i've just been so depressed lately about how sick i've been. I really cant take it anymore. The fibro is hard enough without having all these other problems. She said she'd come over today to help me get some household shit done that i've had to put on hold while i've had this sinus infection, but of course I've been awake all night, unable to sleep. She is gonna take me to the docs today too (if i can get an appt) because i dont think i can drive. Whenever i try and turn my head a certain way, the whole world goes...

-- whOOOooooOOOOooOOOOOoooOOOOOooOOOOOoopty whOOoooOP --

...and I feel vomit rising.... ugh.

It's hard getting an appt on mondays tho, esp cause i wanna see the ENT specialist. I just want to be normal again. God please.

ps - for those who dont know what TMJ is... the cliffnotes version...


"Temporomandibular joint (TMJ) syndrome or TMJ joint disorders are medical problems related to the jaw joint. The TMJ connects the lower jaw (mandible) to the skull (temporal bone) in front of the ear. Certain facial muscles control chewing. Problems in this area can cause head and neck pain, a jaw that is locked in position or difficult to open, problems biting, and popping sounds when you bite.

TMJ Syndrome Symptoms


Pain in the facial muscles and jaw joints may radiate to the neck or shoulders. Joints may be overstretched. You may experience muscle spasms from TMJ syndrome. You may feel pain every time you talk, chew, or yawn. Pain usually appears in the joint itself, in front of the ear, but it may move elsewhere in the skull, face, or jaw.

TMJ syndrome may cause ear pain, ringing in the ears (tinnitus), and hearing loss. Sometimes people mistake TMJ pain for an ear problem, such as an ear infection, when the ear is not the problem at all.

When the joints move, you may hear sounds, such as clicking, grating, and/or popping. Others may also be able to hear the sounds. Clicking and popping are common. This means the disc may be in an abnormal position. Sometimes no treatment is needed if the sounds give you no pain.

Your face and mouth may swell on the affected side.

The jaw may lock wide open (then it is dislocated), or it may not open fully at all. Also, upon opening, the lower jaw may deviate to one side. You may find yourself favoring one painful side or the other by opening your jaw awkwardly. These changes could be sudden. Your teeth may not fit properly together, and your bite may feel odd.

You may have trouble swallowing because of the muscle spasms.

Headache and dizziness may be caused by TMJ syndrome. You may feel nauseous or vomit."

...I havent slept in a week, even tho i was asleep for 12 straight hours today.

...my eyeballs are being squeezed out of their sockets.

...I'm being stabbed thru the skull with a large dagger.

...I've been smashed in the face with a sledgehammer.

...the room is spinning around and around and around.

...my bones are broken and my joints are filled with glass.

...every muscle, from my neck to my toes, is frozen solid.

... hell warmed over, frozen, defrosted, and warmed over again.